23 August 2011

Growing up is hard to do

No one told me it was going to be this hard.
This growing up thing.
I mean, I knew this was going to happen.
But I didn't know how much it would affect me.

Yesterday was a tough day. I held it together all morning (partly because we were rushing to get ready-NOT recommended for the first day of school). Stuart stayed home a little longer so that we could all take Tyson to school together. We have been talking about school non-stop for the past month and Tyson was ready. We drove (along with everyone else) to school and stood in line with every other parent/child to sign in.

Again, I was ok.

As we got inside the school, a mother was coming down the hall bawling. Hiccuping, bawling. And that is when I lost it. I took Tucker's hand and walked in front of Stu and Tyson because I didn't want him to see me cry. We got to his door and he turned around and hugged, kissed and said "love-you-bye!"

And then I had to walk away.

Y'all, that was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to walk away from my child. I know it sounds silly, but yesterday was the beginning of him leaving me. From here on out, Tyson is going to be growing and going to school and leaving me. One day he's going to go off to college and meet a girl (who WILL be wonderful) and marry her. So yesterday was the beginning of that leaving. I just couldn't suppress those feelings. They came out all day long.

As we walked back to the van.
As Tucker and I came home and played Legos by ourselves.
As I went to Walmart and realized I only had to buy one Lunchable instead of two.
As I started laundry and noted that soon school clothes would be in the mix.

Oh, but it gets harder!

When I picked Tyson up from school, he didn't really say much. I chalked it up to his being upset that Tucker got to pick out a new Lego set (since Tyson has had so much attention due to school). As I was tucking him into bed, I started talking about what he was going to do the next day (something that we have to talk about every night at bedtime. I'm afraid I've passed some of my anxiety onto him). Tyson immediately starts crying and telling me that he doesn't want to go back to school. "Why?" "Because it's really long and hard and I really, really miss you mommy."

And then I lost it again.

My baby boy!

I loved on him and told him everything was going to be okay and mommy would be there to pick him up and he was going to have so much fun. That didn't really change his mind, but at least he let go of me and went to sleep.

This morning started nice and early but I thought it was good to allow Tyson to have to time to wake up and play before leaving for school. He did great but as we got to school and started walking down the hall, he grabbed my hand. Uh-oh.

When we got to his classroom, I helped him put his backpack on his hook and put his lunchbox away. Then he turned to me and wanted me to pick him up. Oh Tyson. And then he started crying-hard. The teacher was ready to bring the class in, so I tried to calm him down. Nope. He wasn't having it. His teacher had to literally take him off of me.

Oh, the pain!

I can not explain how much that hurt. I wish I could tell him that he's going to love school and make so many friends and learn so many things. But right now my heart is breaking. I don't want him to be scared. I don't want him to be sad. I don't want him to cry (because that makes me cry harder).

No one tells you how difficult this is!
No one tells you it feels like you're leaving a piece of yourself.
No one tells you that you feel as though your heart is being ripped out.

But I know it will get better.
And one day I'll look back on these days and wish for them again.
But man, growing up is hard to do.


Tina said...

Yep, letting go is hard! Getting to see some insights on my world now. Sorry that he is having a hard time. They will pass, but my heart aches with yours.

Brittany said...

Poor Mommy and poor Tyson--it will get better! The good news is at least one of you will probably stop crying as he gets older...unfortunately it's not you. :( That's just what moms do and it's what makes us moms! I'm sure he'll love it as the days go on and he makes new friends. Soon enough you'll be writing blogs about how he's loving kindergarten!

Andrea said...

:( Sorry you had such a hard time. My brother was the same way, the first day was great, then he decided that was all the school he needed! Sending lots of love for the next few days! <3

Amy said...

I feel your pain, sweetie. :( How did the rest of the day go? Our had a rough patch after she got home but it got better. Sending you lots of hugs!!!

Aubrey said...

So I'm choking back tears as I read this (because I'm reading it while my students are working on a project). My heart breaks for you. I can't even imagine. I think it must be harder on Stay at home moms. My friends with kids who have been in day care have adjusted much easier. But what I joy that you've spent 5 years with him. And it will get better, and you will get better at saying good bye. Okay, who am I kidding. I'm crying reading this....it will never get easier, but that's part of being a mom. Sending you a hug....