It's a Monday kind of Thursday

Blah-that is the word I have chosen that best describes the way I am feeling. I was reading one of my good friend's blog and she was talking about her post-pardum depression and baby blues. After reading this I felt that it would be good for me to tell my story and get it off my chest...

After Tyson was born (Sep 2005) I had a really hard time with the baby blues. Before he was born I was working full time and enjoying married life in Las Vegas. We had two new vehicles, too many credit cards and went out to eat more often than cooking at home. But life was grand. Then came my little boy; I became a stay-at-home mom and Stuart took on TWO extra jobs so that we could feed and clothe our new bundle. I thought I was prepared for motherhood but being a nanny and being a full time mommy are soooo different. No one tells you about the sleep deprivation or how your hormones are so out of whack that you don't know which way is up and that you feel like you are drowning in a sea of formula and diapers and your husband doesn't understand because he sleeps right thru the screaming every night and he gets to go off to work everyday and have adult conversations while you are at home staring at the horrible white walls and trying to understand why you cry no less than 10 times per day.

Yes, it was hard. But Tyson got older and things became easier. Then I got pregnant again. And we lost the baby (actually there never was a baby, I had a blighted ovum.). THEN 5 months later a plus sign appeared on the stick...

Nine months later, Tucker made his grand entrance and my PPD and anxiety came right along with him. There are several things that could have contributed to my anxiety: having gall stones in my ninth month of pregnancy, being hospitalized for 5 days when Tucker was only a month old (pancreatitis due to gall stones), having surgery to remove my gall bladder, moving for the 5th time in five years, not having a lot of friends, staying at home all day every day doing the same things over and over and over.

Finally last December I broke down. I sat on the couch sobbing, telling Stuart that I didn't think I could do it anymore. I wasn't a good mother, I wasn't a good wife, I didn't know who I was anymore. That's when we made the decision for me to seek some professional help. I was so nervous about talking to a psychologist but I knew I needed to do it for me and my family. After our first session, my doctor recommended that I start taking an anti-depressant and a sleeping pill (I wasn't sleeping at all, just lying awake thinking about all the things that I needed to do, hadn't done, didn't want to do...). The first couple of months were really good. I felt better. I wasn't as anxious about things and I was putting to use what my doctor and I had been talking about.

But lately things have changed. I don't feel good anymore. I am tired ALL the time. All I want to do is sleep. I have no desire to get anything done. It almost feels like I have mono at times. It just sucks all around. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade being at home with my boys for anything but I want ME back. Ugh.

J-thanks for sharing your story!