04 September 2008

It's a Monday kind of Thursday

Blah-that is the word I have chosen that best describes the way I am feeling. I was reading one of my good friend's blog and she was talking about her post-pardum depression and baby blues. After reading this I felt that it would be good for me to tell my story and get it off my chest...

After Tyson was born (Sep 2005) I had a really hard time with the baby blues. Before he was born I was working full time and enjoying married life in Las Vegas. We had two new vehicles, too many credit cards and went out to eat more often than cooking at home. But life was grand. Then came my little boy; I became a stay-at-home mom and Stuart took on TWO extra jobs so that we could feed and clothe our new bundle. I thought I was prepared for motherhood but being a nanny and being a full time mommy are soooo different. No one tells you about the sleep deprivation or how your hormones are so out of whack that you don't know which way is up and that you feel like you are drowning in a sea of formula and diapers and your husband doesn't understand because he sleeps right thru the screaming every night and he gets to go off to work everyday and have adult conversations while you are at home staring at the horrible white walls and trying to understand why you cry no less than 10 times per day.

Yes, it was hard. But Tyson got older and things became easier. Then I got pregnant again. And we lost the baby (actually there never was a baby, I had a blighted ovum.). THEN 5 months later a plus sign appeared on the stick...

Nine months later, Tucker made his grand entrance and my PPD and anxiety came right along with him. There are several things that could have contributed to my anxiety: having gall stones in my ninth month of pregnancy, being hospitalized for 5 days when Tucker was only a month old (pancreatitis due to gall stones), having surgery to remove my gall bladder, moving for the 5th time in five years, not having a lot of friends, staying at home all day every day doing the same things over and over and over.

Finally last December I broke down. I sat on the couch sobbing, telling Stuart that I didn't think I could do it anymore. I wasn't a good mother, I wasn't a good wife, I didn't know who I was anymore. That's when we made the decision for me to seek some professional help. I was so nervous about talking to a psychologist but I knew I needed to do it for me and my family. After our first session, my doctor recommended that I start taking an anti-depressant and a sleeping pill (I wasn't sleeping at all, just lying awake thinking about all the things that I needed to do, hadn't done, didn't want to do...). The first couple of months were really good. I felt better. I wasn't as anxious about things and I was putting to use what my doctor and I had been talking about.

But lately things have changed. I don't feel good anymore. I am tired ALL the time. All I want to do is sleep. I have no desire to get anything done. It almost feels like I have mono at times. It just sucks all around. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade being at home with my boys for anything but I want ME back. Ugh.

J-thanks for sharing your story!


Travis & Jeri Tidmore said...

Oh friend! I'm so sorry you feel that way. I had all the gallbladder issues as well, and that made for a very stressful and painful, and TEARFULL first 2 months of Owen's life. On top of "baby blues" that i had for about 2 or three weeks.

I have my days still where I feel "trapped". NOT trapped by Owen, just by myself I guess. I don't know how to describe it. Owen is beautiful and precious and I wouldn't trade him for anything in the entire world. But motherhood is hard work.

There is NOTHING wrong with seeking professional help. It shows that you are strong and want to help yourself and your sweet family. You are a GREAT mother for that. Your boys might never know what you go through for them, or exactly how much you love them until they are married and have children of their own.

It is definitely an emotional journey that no one can really prepare you for.

Can you do something nice for yourself? Take a trip...go somewhere, give yourself a break somehow. Hey...you can even come to my house if you want to. :-)


Jennifer said...

It's kind of sad how many of us suffer in silence, isn't it? I'm so glad you shared your story, I had no idea. I wish we lived closer so we could get together all the time. I too know how hard it is not to have friend support. sometimes all you need is another woman to say "Yep, today realllly sucks.Let's drink a margarita while the kids play on a blanket!" It is so hard to feel unhappy when you love your kids more than anything and you want so bad to feel as good as you think you should. The good/sad news is that I'm finding out more and more that this is the norm, we just guilt ourselves into hiding. Yay for getting it off your chest! Call me anytime!

Brittany Skloss said...

Good for you for telling what's on your heart! Being a mom is SO hard! I think everyone reaches a point where the walls are closing in and you just don't feel like "you" anymore. I know I've definitely been there!
So many people have a hard time admitting that they're having a hard time. Just know you're not alone- we've all been there or are there right now.
It's so nice (and shows your wisdom) that you were able to get help before and you'll figure it out once again. Make sure to post about it- you never know who might be going through for the same thing!
Blessings- Brittany

Raena said...

We both know I've been there. And knowing you (one of the most genuinely joyful people I know) was going through the same thing helped me so much. Honestly, for me, it comes in waves. I STILL don't feel like used to!

I have been taking a supplement called Floradix. My iron was low and the Naturopathic Doctor says that can contribute to PPD. It seems to help with the low energy I've struggled with.

Love you girl!