Reality

If I'm really honest, truly honest, I would tell you that I'm scared s*%#less about our immediate future. Truthfully, I don't know what we are doing. And all I want to do is scream and cry and shout and figure it out.

Stuart graduated August 5. I am beyond proud of him and know that he and we have worked really hard and sacrificed a lot to get him to this point. BUT it's now September 13 and he still has no job. Gulp.

While Stuart was in school, I started working to help supplement his income from the GI Bill. My thought was this working thing was only temporary and as soon as Stuart graduated, he would get a job lickidy-split and I could go back to being a stay-at-home-mom. The reality is that this hasn't happened. Not only has Stuart not gotten a job, but there have been no offers (well there was one but it wasn't something that would work).

He first interviewed with a bank here in WF on June 2. While this was a great starting point, it turned out that the job was completely based on commission; and since we want to have a little more stability than a commission-only income would offer, Stuart turned the job down.

Then came a lot of excitement from some opportunities with another company. Stuart first interviewed with this company on July 16 and quickly a flurry of activity started. Lots of cities were thrown into the mix, lots of driving, lots of rearranging schedules and figuring out who would watch the boys and lots of interviewing. Great things were said from the company-"you're going to work for this company," "you are our best candidate," all things that have kept Stuart single minded on this company.

But the reality is: Cresson-out, Centerville-out, Midland-out, Carrizo Springs-out, Farmington, NM-out. So all this time and money and energy and focus on one company seems a bit useless.

And the bigger reality is I don't know what we are going to do. My job has been a blessing but it can't sustain us. This job worked because of the combination of incomes. We have lasted the last 5 weeks but where are the next 5 weeks going to come from?

I hate this feeling. I hate feeling anxious. I hate not knowing how or why. I hate that this is happening to my mate. I hate that we have to admit that we floundering. I hate, I hate, I hate this.

The reality is that I don't know.

And I just don't know what to do with that.

*This was really not supposed to come across as a pity party or look how bad our life is. I'm just tired of having all these feelings bottled up.*