One Year

It's been a year. A year. Wow, that just sounds odd. And incredible all at the same time.

So as many of you know, my MIL (mother-in-law) passed away very unexpected May 26, 2008. She had been experiencing severe bleeding Friday night (May 23) and was rushed to the ER very early Saturday morning. She went into surgery sometime Saturday morning and it was found that she had a huge ulcer that grew into the artery that feeds her spleen had ruptured and she was/had been bleeding internally. Her artery was "fixed" and she was sent to the ICU. Please pardon my lack of correct medical terminology. The entire family was called and everyone rushed to get to her side (my little family and my brother-in-law's (BIL) family are the only ones that don't live in San Antonio so we had to get there fast). We arrived sometime around 3 pm, dropping off Stuart at the hospital on the way to my parent's house. After getting the boys settled, I drove up to be with everyone and see my MIL.
She was hooked up to every imaginable wire and line but she was still alive. We weren't sure if she could hear us or not, so we tried to talk quietly or include her in the conversation. It was so surreal. I remember at one point my BIL was recounting the Spurs game for her (we're all big fans!). No one ate or drank the every flowing Starbucks in her room, because if she could smell it we didn't want her to feel hungry. After several hours, we all decided to head to our respective home-away-from homes and meet up again in the morning.
Sunday morning, the boys and I got ready and went to church with my parents while Stuart went up to the hospital to be with his dad and mom. Afterwords he met us for lunch at Red Robin. He was optimistic about his mom and that her stats were "stable." We said goodbye and he headed back to the hospital and I back to my parent's to put the boys down for a nap. After the boys woke up we decided to go to Wal-Mart (do you really have to have a reason to go?). We were in the toothpaste aisle when my phone rang. It was Stuart. I needed to go pick up my BIL-NOW. He was at my MIL's parent's house and had left his car at the hospital. Stuart couldn't really talk except to say that the dr had just been in and things were not good.
We rushed out of the store. Broke several speed limits to get to my BIL. Somehow got him up to the hospital and us back to my parent's. I called Stuart when I got to my parent's and he said that I needed to get up there too. The drs had done everything that they could. My MIL's body just couldn't handle the amount of blood loss and her organs were shutting down.
No, no, no!
This can not be happening.
I arrived sometime around 7 pm. Her room was very dark. Almost everyone was there. We were all very quiet. Tears ran freely. My FIL asked that no one else be allowed back so that we could be with her privately. The nurses were wonderful. They moved in and out without a sound. Sometime around midnight, after every test had been run, after every chart had be scrutinized, my FIL made the call to have her taken off of the ventilator. We circled around her bed and prayed her into God's arms. She took her final breath, on her own at 12:30 am, May 26, Memorial Day.
I will never forget watching her father cry. It was the first time I had every seen him be anything but happy.
I will never forget my strong husband bending down over his mother to give her one final kiss.
I will never forget running to meet my SIL in the parking lot and holding onto her for dear life.
I will never forget my BIL sitting in the hospital waiting room explaining to his daughter, that her Nana was now with God and the sobs that escaped from her mouth almost tore me in two. And the way that she ran to her Papa when he came around the corner.
I will never forget thinking how much this sucked.
I will never forget going back to my parent's house at 4 am and wondering how the world was still existing.
But it was. And we were.

After Saturday comes Sunday--Max Lucado (a very botched version of his wonderful sermon Easter 2009. This sermon was so profound and made all over us cry.)

So here I am almost a year later. I still feel many of these feelings. More so now.
I miss Jennifer. I miss her a lot.
My heart is absolutely ripped out of me when Stuart, on a very rare occasion, talks about her being gone.
I ache that my children don't know or remember her. They loved her. But they are just so young. When Tyson looks at a picture of her he either asks who she is or names another family member in her place.
I am mad that my FIL is already remarried. I'm sure his new wife is great. But I don't know her. And right now if I'm honest, I don't want to get to know her. I just can't fill that spot yet.
I'm frustrated that I feel this way. But I do.
I cry knowing that my MIL and I didn't always get along. I wish I would have let things go.
I really hope she has a window in heaven so that she can see that we love her and miss her so very, very much.
I want her to know that my boys WILL know her as they get older.
I can't believe that we survived a year. How could we do that?